I mentioned it in a post before but now this is solely about my mimi.
A couple months back I was told that my mimi has gotten a third case of cancer, this time in her liver. The other two times was in her breast and thigh bone.
Yesterday I received a text from my dad telling me my mimi has maybe a couple weeks left if that.
I’ve been feeling like a horrible granddaughter these past few weeks because I am unable to go visit her.
I asked my parents about seeing her asap after receiving that text and they more or less discouraged it because her condition has gotten to the point where she can barely remember people.
I have had encounters with the death of a person I knew only twice.
The first time was a good friend of mine in high school, I was in my second semester of college in my first year when I saw the update on facebook about his pacing. It didn’t sink right away since I’d only gotten to enjoy his company for one year of high school. Half way through my psychology class it hit me and I quietly cried for him without anyone even noticing.
The second time wasn’t even a whole month ago. I knew this boy from when we were in a grade 7/8 split class. I wasn’t anything more than an acquaintance with him so I didn’t even know that he had been fighting against leukaemia for a few years. When my best friend told me I decided to spend that night reflecting on all the memories I did have of him. Most were just brief encounters but he was still a part of my life even if it was brief.
This time I am fighting with myself constantly not to think on the future of my life without my mimi. If I keep my thoughts on her for too long I immediately almost begin to cry (as I am beginning to now) and so I’ve been keeping myself distracted through the internet, reading, and games. It’s getting harder and harder not to let it go, but I don’t want to break down before she has actually left me. She is still alive and I am sure she would want me to not worry about her too much during this difficult time.
I think it all entirely unfair though since I haven’t known her my whole life. My father was adopted and it wasn’t until I was 11 that I met her and the rest of my family. I turn 21 this year. I have only gotten to spend 10 years of my life with this incredible woman. I hate life or fate or whatever you want to call the reason for her leaving us.
I felt it was necessary to post this because I have not spoken these thoughts out loud to anyone, not even to myself. I knew why I was seeking distracting, but letting others know just seems to be a good idea. I don’t know.
Well that is it.